Environmental Education - be cautious

I have rotated from being inspired and in awe of our planet earth to being overwhelmed by the enormity of the environmental issues we have created (climate change, sewage/trash/air pollution...). As we were using cloth diapers, I was sure I would educate my child to be very environmentally oriented. But I changed my mind.

Someone told me about a study in Germany (I don't have the link, if anyone does please send it to me) that by by doing so much environmental education on school aged children, by the time they reached grade 12, rather than being inspired, they were apathetic and felt like, it was too late, too much of a mess to fix so why bother. I feel this way sometimes too and it isn't good for me or for my footprint on the earth.

So what works? Waldorf has a good philosophy in this area - they focus on helping a child discover the wonder and awe of nature. I think any good environmental education program's main focus is to help children (and us their parents) remember not only how fragile our ecosystem is, but also how miraculous, beautiful and intelligent it is. It is when I am connecting with that awe and love of our earth and our creatures that I want to take care of it from a place of love, even if they are small steps, one step can matter - helping a bug out of my house rather than squashing it may be a small move, taking the bus, composting and seeing the compost go back into the garden. I am happier in that place, and I do allow myself time to understand what is going on in the world of climate change etc., but I agree with Waldorf's philosophy that childhood is a time of wonder.

If our children grow up knowing the power and wonder of nature and have a deep love for our earth, there is a better chance they will come up with solutions we haven't even thought of, or live in a way that is more in line with the earth. She is growing up recycling, picking up litter, composting, and has enjoyed building fairy houses, and our footprint could be better.

When my child is older, she'll learn about the huge overwhelming issues like climate change, but why overwhelm her now. It is more than I can handle, why pass it off to our kids too young.

A recent study of 1, 150 seven to eleven year olds in Britain found that over half the children were losing sleep worrying about climate change. http://www.spiked-online.com/index.php?/site/article/2950/ If Einstein was right, that we cannot change a problem with the consciousness that created it, then our approach of informing/scaring our children (who have so little power compared to us adults) about climate change, endangered species etc., may not be the best way to solve our problems.

I am voting for wonder based nature education, information on steps everyone can do in their own life, ways to help, and save the climate change education for later. In fact, maybe all us adults could use a little more awe and wonder in our lives too for new perspectives and hope.

The Family Bed

I was at a friends last night for dinner and I was struck by directly how her children looked us right in the eye when we were conversing. Those children seemed secure in themselves and were ready to smile or laugh during the conversation. There are many factors that help children feel secure and I believe one of them is how safe they feel.

During my conversation with their mom, I found out that she also cuddles them to sleep and allows them sleep in the same room (bunk beds) even though they have their own rooms. I often will cuddle my daughter to sleep or sit in the next room as she is drifting off. And if she wakes up scared, she is held by her dad or I as she goes back to sleep in her bed or our bed.

And I know as she gets older, she will want her own space more often while she is sleeping or if she is feeling fearful, she may want to learn techniques like EFT to empower herself. And while she still wants her mom and dad close, it is a joy to feel her soft sweet face next to mine. Sometimes as she is drifting off to sleep I hear this 'I love you so much Mommy.' I can't pretend that it is always easy getting back to sleep after being woken up, but my joy at knowing my daughter is bundled up with love compensates for the shorter sleep nights.

I believe there is a knowing deep inside us that guides us as people and as parents. This isn't the knee jerk reaction we have, this is the more innate knowing we can access when we are calm. And for me, that has guided so much of how I raise my child. Often I find doing the research on child development helpful as information can help guide me to wise decisions. But over time research results can swing, so listening to what is greatest service to my child is where I try and focus.

I was one of those children who was very scared alone in my bed at night imagining monsters under my bed or hiding in my closet, and that experience definitely did not make stronger or more secure. So I am a fan of filling kids up with love, especially at night when it is dark. We've got all day to teach boundaries and help our children stretch and take risks. Night time is for nurturing, for recharging and healing our bodies, and our sleep is more peaceful if we are feeling safe and loved.

It still surprises me how people come back from some of the world's "poorer" countries talking about how happy the children are. And, an interesting correlation is that the whole family sleeps in the same room together.

My Child as my Buddha

On a good day, our values are what drives our behaviour. So as parents, grandparent and people who love the children in our lives, how do we teach the values that are the foundations for healthy relationships and fulfilling lives? And as someone who loves teaching values, I wanted to do some more investigating on what parents are noticing impacts their children the most.

One of the people I interviewed was Vancouver’s excellent family therapists and mother of two boys, Michele Hucul-Kamolis. She said "I try to focus less on teaching values, and more on embodying them."

She noticed that within each family the values become the energy set in the family system. She is referring to how we interact, how we play and get things done together. Michelle says the old adage is true ‘Children are very aware of inconsistencies and really do take more from what we do than what we say. ‘So the biggest part of teaching values is to look at how we are living.

We can start by looking at what values are important to us, and how our children may be experiencing them in our home. For us having a loving environment is an important value so there is lots of cuddling, backscratching, and expressions of love. Mutual respect is expected so if anyone feels like they are not being treated well, we talk about it in private and do our best to work it out. We experience imagination and fun by creating lots of free time for dress up, dancing, building fairy house and when we are washing dishes we sometimes wear soapy santa beards. Fun is an area I can build on as a way to get my daughter engaged more easily in household chores and keep me more present.

Of course it is completely unrealistic to even hope to perfectly live our values so you’ll see some gaping holes. Michele outlined how vital it is to talk through the times when you are not living your values. It helps a child make sense of the inconsistency and it brings the value to more conscious awareness. And perhaps most importantly, it gives your child all kinds of space to be imperfect as they see it even happens to the adults they adore.

I had a rather embarrassing example of this. One day when I was holding up another vehicle while parallel parking, my 7 year old daughter said, "That was nice of that man not to honk at you." The inference was very clear, she remembers times when I’ve honked with impatience. Rather than breathing and being centred while driving, I have gotten lazy and just honked impatiently sometimes when there hasn't really be a need to.

These humbling, vulnerable moments, I'm realizing now, are some of the juiciest parts of my life with my daughter. Sometimes I smile as I notice the glee in her eye at seeing mom’s imperfections. At other times I am deeply moved by her empathy for me and the grace and wisdom in her observations.

And you don’t have to use current examples of mistakes, children love your family stories particularly those that involved mistakes and mischief, which can easily be turned into memorable values lessons.

The value of sharing my mistakes became clear as one evening, when my daughter was so upset and wouldn’t talk about why. Later, she pulled me aside and said, I know you’ll understand this mom because remember when you were a kid you felt this too. I cherish this as possibly as most basic value - wanting our child to feel safe enough to share her fears, her anger, her excitement, and her imaginary world so we can be beside her as she finds her way.

Sometimes I’ve had challenges taking the time to reflect or care for myself as well as might be beneficial. Or be as gentle on myself when I see my shadow and I would with my cherished child as she finds her way - I too am also every day finding my way and need to remember that. I call my daughter my Buddha, as my profound love for her demands that I look at myself, not just how I parent but how I live.

Big Shifts Made Easy

My daughter started saying "I don't like getting older." I was so surprised as I thought kids liked getting older. I talk about my age and how grateful I am to be healthy and happy, so my first instinct was that it wasn't coming from me. Then I dug deeper.

I realized I tell her many wonderful stories about when she was younger as she loves to hear them and I enjoy sharing them with her. Sometimes I say, oh, I miss that age. It felt like everything sped up once she got more independent in grade 1, and I find myself wanting to slow down time as I cherishing these years of closeness. There is a bittersweet edge I feel as she is getting older. And I wondered if my attitude was in the highest service to her, possibly not.

So I just decided to start talking about how much I am loving seeing her grow up, what changes I have noticed in the last year and how much I have enjoyed witnessing them. I share how her brain significantly develops around the age of 9 and more analytical/complex thinking is possible and how I love the conversations she is now able to have with me. I share the activities I enjoy with her and how much I am looking forward to the upcoming years we'll go through together - how exciting our future as a family is.

Interesting, with this very small change, she has completely stopped saying she doesn't want to get older. In fact, she talks more eagerly about getting older. I feel elated, partly because I realize that errors I make parenting can often easily be remedied.

So much about parenting for me is being willing to look deep inside as the answers are not always obvious. I can't always see it alone or with my husband because we are both in it, but I have been able to create the emotional space where my best friend feels like she can share her uncomfortable observations with me. I feel so blessed I have a friend willing to do that for me as it is easier to say nothing.

I like to figure out how I can reframe something for my daughter and how so easily shifts can happen. And now I see her happily enjoying the process of getting older as she celebrates her birthday. How simple and how beautiful.

Special Birthdays

Our daughter Faith turned 9 today. She awoke so excited and asked to open one of her gifts. Then at breakfast, I sat looking in her beautiful brown eyes and said, 9 years ago today you were born. You came out of my body and were our miracle. We had no idea how much love and joy you'd bring into our lives...and my voice was cracking. She had so many tears running down her face too. I am reminded how much more important those moments of connection are than the gifts that come and go.

We are busy organizing her birthday for Sunday afternoon. Faith has always found that the time we spend organizing the party, writing up the invitations, planning the activities, talking about how to make each child feel welcome has been as much fun as the party.

And it is a wonderful time to embed such important values including what makes each child feel welcome, how to thank each child for coming and thanking each one for their gift, how to create an atmosphere that is inclusive and happy. All values that help children learn how to create successful friendships - and good friendships would likely be chosen as what brings the most joy to a person's life. And for me, it is such fun having this time working on something that brings such joy to my child.